When does losing my child get better?
‘All connections we have in life serve a purpose…’ she wrote.
I had coffee recently with a gorgeous woman. It was one of those ‘six degrees of separation’ meetings and at least for me, it felt like we clicked immediately. (You just know right?) Perhaps it was because she reminded me so much of me and I will admit it… I really like me 😊.
My post is not about this, but while we’re on the topic, I haven’t always liked me. I have compared myself to other people more times than I care to admit. I believed that they were smarter, prettier, healthier, fitter, more productive, more proactive, more inspiring, more successful, well off, had their ‘ducks in a row’, and the list goes on.
Self-deprecation is not only completely pointless and ridiculous but incredibly destructive to self-confidence and self-worth. Winnie the Pooh said it so simply, ‘the things that make me different, are the things that make me ME.’ We ALL have something of value to give whether we believe it or not. We all have something of value to give regardless of our current circumstances.
Self-love is not about telling everyone how good you are, it’s about telling yourself that you are pretty wonderful not matter where you are!
Anyway, I digress. This friend of mine recently joined a club that I am also an INvoluntary member of. Each time we get together, she reminds me more of myself and in particular when I was where she is at today.
As a side, I asked another group member just after Ben moved on, ‘When does losing them get better? When does it get okay? Please tell me it won’t be like this forever’. She is probably one of the only people that gave me a straight answer without the clichés. She replied with an unfortunate benefit of 5 years experience, ‘Never. It never gets better. You never forget and it is never okay. But it does get different. Baby steps…’
I have thought a lot about my coffee catch up and the plans to change the world we bounced around that day. I realise that it is only our circumstances that have brought us together. I have no doubt there has been a little help from two cheeky people in another realm, but it is unlikely our paths would have crossed otherwise. And so, she wrote, ‘all connections we have in life serve a purpose’.
I read a post listing 7 things that bereaved parents want everyone to know. I have seen similar lists before but for some reason this brought tears to my eyes.
Perhaps it was knowing who sent it to me, because there were no surprises and nothing there I wasn’t already aware of. My first thought was you would expect that 3+ years down the road it would just wash over me now. It didn’t.
So, over the next few weeks I’m going to talk about this. This thing we don’t talk about called death. I will share some of the non-negotiable ‘bonus’ extras that come along with it, squash some myths, tell you what some teenagers think and hopefully share some hints and tips that might help you when you lose someone you love or are in the inevitable position of being someone else's support. I will be speaking specifically from the perspective of losing a child.
I welcome questions, comments and anything you want to know or say but never asked because you didn’t want to ‘make things worse’. Adults and young people, I invite you to talk to me, publicly or privately messaging. Let’s discuss this. Keeping it a ‘hushed’ topic is one thing I can tell you DOES makes it worse.
Finally, Some of you may remember 2 videos I was honoured to be a part of with Precious Wings charity. They are short but super powerful - please share them. This is an incredible charity run by an amazing woman who is dedicated to also making her gorgeous boy count. Please support her if you can. She has many options for personalising your donation and I know first-hand how much of a difference she makes 😊.
Dalya xx 💙